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September 29, 2010

2

Anything for a Buck…George Lucas Remaking Star Wars in 3D

Posted by on Sep 29, 2010
Star Wars 3D

I nearly drove off the road on my commute home today when I heard this on the radio. I guess George Lucas is also a fan of Glee, because I can just see him watching last night’s episode and saying “Oops I did it again, I shat on your childhood”. We can all look forward to six “new” Star Wars movies, in 3D, and no doubt 400% more expensive, starting with Episode One: The Phantom Menace. My opinion of this atrocity after the jump.

Seriously though, when is this going to stop. I get irritated when people make sequel after sequel, just to make a little more money off the people who saw the first one. I’m looking at you Shrek. If that’s “milking the franchise”, what words are there to describe what George Lucas is doing? He’s not even making a new movie – instead he’s going to sell you the same one you already have, again, with some gimmicky 3D parts thrown in. I would posit (prove me wrong, please) that movies that were not originally intended to be made in 3D don’t convert well. I would use Clash of the Titans as an example, but that movie was so bad anyway that I’m not sure the 3D conversion could have made it any worse.

Oh, hey, did you cherish these memories? I just wanted some more money, so I thought I'd screw with you.

I might be a little less worried about this if George Lucas had a track record for updating his movies with improved technology and keeping the same old classic, but he doesn’t. Instead, he tells Hayden Christensen to go have his way with your mother (see left). As a result, I’m worried we’re somehow going to get the ‘new and improved’ scene – five minutes of JarJar pole dancing so that we can see his tentacles whip at us in 3D. Note: if he wants to include a new scene in the first five minutes where JarJar explodes, I’m okay with that.

Yet hope springs eternal, and in this case it means that I hope either George Lucas regains his senses (unlikely), or they run out of money before they manage to ruin anything other than The Phantom Menace (which, let’s be honest, isn’t exactly a staggeringly great piece of artwork anyway).

  • Third

    3D conversion does in fact make movies not originally filmed in 3D worse. The process of re-coloring images in the original film, so that the different parts combine into a “3D” whole when seen through the glasses, makes the image darker. That means that dark scenes, like, I dunno, Luke fighting Vader on the second Death Star, might be damn near impossible to see. Moral of the story: George Lucas has no redeeming value as a human being.

  • I’m sure ILM will figure it out. They have literally figured every other thing ever that is anything out because they are run by Satan.

    What kills me is that there is literally not a single sequence that I think can be improved by 3D. Actually that’s not true: the opening of Revenge of the Sith will be epic. Can we just skip to that?